My astrological sign is KFC gravy
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Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago