guys i’ve cracked the code
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
his wife is probably gonna see that
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys