No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.