Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
scrabbled eggs
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines