You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
You Might Also Like
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.