ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Encore…
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…