I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.