@rockymomax

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

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@pplwtching

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@DurtMcHurtt

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@Thing_Finder

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

@Hebafouad21

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

@mattZillaaaa

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

@Brampersandon_

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same