[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter