[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.