Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore