inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.