Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run