I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.