Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
who will stop them
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.