Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
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I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
This January has 47 Mondays
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.