Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
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Not messing around
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!