I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.