cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Scream sneezers need love too.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.