You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.