a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Skills
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??