I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
rapatouille
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: