“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
the saddest jazz hands ever
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot