Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG