Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
You Might Also Like
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
You learn something every day
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord