Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.