My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man