so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Can’t, holding a grudge
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.