I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.