Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Social distancing in Australia:
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*