Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.