I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
There’s no “us” in nachos.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
the noise i just made
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally