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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
2022 will be better than 2021
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines