By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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The Struggle
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
finally
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I saw this ending much differently.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?