Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower