8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
greetings!
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming