8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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