PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
m’lady
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.