If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.