If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The little toadstool has spoken.
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One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Can. I. Help. You.
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