Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
True freaking story!
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh