Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.