Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
WTF IS THAT!