Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
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* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?