@sixfootcandy

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

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@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

@krautsider

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

@SerialFuckup

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

@kobychill

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@HammerFist3

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles