Gemma Correll
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*puts my mental health in rice
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: