“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m sorry…what?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever