“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.