A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
watching gymnastics
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?