When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
okay run it by me one more time
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.