DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
😍😂🥰😂😍
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.