“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
anyone else like Italian cereal
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Trying
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me