My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up


wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!


ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done


I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.


You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.


[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer


[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion


Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap


Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.