My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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They’re stuck in your pants?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.