Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
? 💀
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”